Wellness Starts with You

And a Story About My Struggle with Infertility

Last week I was chatting with a couple of friends in a WhatsApp chat. It went something like this:

• Me: “I’m heading to the Bay Area for a wedding this summer! Wish I could see you, but at least I’ll be in the same time zone to text.”
• Friend A: “You can bring back a snack stash from the SF trip.”
• Friend B: “Don’t derail her. She has a wellness business to run!!”
• Me to Friend A: “I totally will. I’m definitely hitting up Target and Trader Joe’s.”
• Me to Friend B: “Haha, well I’m in wellness, not fitness, so I have leeway.”

This short conversation got me thinking, how do each of us define wellness? Since we’re all unique, have different preferences, lifestyles, are in various stages of life, wellness can look and feel different for everyone. 

Wellness may consist of fitness more than other dimensions for one person at a point in time, while for another, something else may matter more. This is why wellness isn’t one size fits all, and I write on my website that wellness is personal. 

You truly are the most important key to your wellness. We’re living in a time of information overload and unprecedented choice, which can result in confusion, decision fatigue, analysis paralysis, or indecision. Have you ever been so overwhelmed by choice that you throw up your hands and say "forget it" or just let someone else decide altogether?

Unless you acquaint yourself with the inner you, the true you, and use that wisdom to understand how you fit it into your life context, you run the risk of flitting from one trend, diet, or hack to another without achieving sustainable and lasting results, you end up letting someone else decide for you, or not doing anything at all.

When you're not grounded in your own wisdom and power, you seek that sense of grounding, authority, and wisdom from outside sources. And therein lies the rub - there is no one that knows you better than you. So when you listen to external sources outside of you, what they think only gets you part of the way there. And then the emptiness sets in. I know this feeling oh. so. well. 

I'm not saying to disregard expert advice. Experts are experts for a reason. I'm saying, it's important to integrate what experts tell you with your own wisdom to make the best decisions for you. Don't shortchange yourself of the opportunity to make conscious choices and attain the best results for you.

After all, much of the advice out there is general advice. Yoga as a blanket recommendation from well-meaning healthcare providers is a prime example of general advice. There are so many styles of yoga, but I can tell you that someone with inflammation or autoimmune disease shouldn't be practicing yoga in a hot room, doing heating breath practices, a rigorous vinyasa, or a strenuous Ashtanga practice. Someone with anxiety would be ill-served with long-held poses, passive meditation, or stimulating breath practices. Yet, every practice described above falls under the umbrella of Yoga. 

This is why the approach of yoga therapy is helpful, because it’s yoga applied holistically, tailored to the whole person, and adapted to address physical, mental, and/or emotional health issues.

I'll give you another personal example. During my struggle with infertility, I did a full year of IVF. Injections, extractions, implantations were my life, except for a month in the summer. After every devastating failed attempt, my reproductive endocrinologist (RE) would tell me to keep at it, that it's a matter of chance, and that I responded well to the injections, given the quantity and quality of eggs they were able to extract, as well as the quality of the precious handful of embryos that were cultured. Now, I realize that Western medicine is reductionist by nature, and doctors have a high patient load, so they are unable to spend a lot of time with each patient, but he wasn't able to give me any sort of insight beyond what could be quantified and revealed by data. The data looked good. 

I cannot stress this enough: not everything shows up in the data. Yet we tend to place so much weight on it. Things could look amazing on paper and still feel wrong in your heart. This has been my life experience with attaining unfulfilling, yet outwardly respected goals, as well as with my healthcare experience with my urological condition, infertility, and autoimmune disease.

So what about those of us where things don't seem to work? Do we not have other avenues to get where we want to go? I simply refuse to believe that was the case. I look for ways in, around, and through. It was true during my IVF journey, and it's a core guiding principle of my life today - for myself, for those I care about, and my clients. If anything, I'm a persistent person when I know what I want. Best case, I get what I want. Worst case, I learn the lessons I need to grow in the process.

I understand what it’s like to struggle and not get the answers you need. In the case of infertility, I sought clues and put together the big picture myself. I analyzed the failures. Fortunately for me, I found this situation rather straight forward; every single failure was at the implantation stage. So the question became, why was my body rejecting the implantation? My RE couldn’t give me answers, but I realized I had them myself.

1) I knew that my body didn't feel safe enough for the pregnancy to take. Of course, I was safe in every sense of the word, but because of my past experiences, my body was operating in flight or fight mode all the time. When I thought about it from this angle – that my body felt like it was either gearing up to fight or preparing to run, it made absolute sense. How could my body nurture new life in these circumstances? In fact, when humans and animals are under threat or in fear, the body evacuates the stomach, bladder, and/or bowels. I won’t get sidetracked with this, but it’s interesting to read up on the theories why. This is what led me down the path of investigating nervous system regulation and polyvagal theory.

2) I also knew intuitively that my uterus somehow was inhospitable for this embryo. And that led to more questions. How could I make my uterus, and my whole being in general, more hospitable? What would be involved in that? Hormones? Nutrition? Sleep? Managing stress? Exercise?

So instead of doing the same procedure that hadn't worked, I followed this line of self-inquiry and sought other holistic approaches. I started looking at the big picture, and I made better choices and lifestyle changes. I decided to approach this journey with another mindset – one of acceptance, understanding myself better, and becoming healthier. If a baby was part of the picture, amazing, but if not, I know I tried, and I did it on my own terms.

IVF to me, seemed like a quick-fix solution for those who could afford it, and I was absolutely grateful for the opportunity. Foot the bill, get the injections, do the procedure, and voila! if you’re lucky, get pregnant on the first try. I don’t see anything inherently wrong with quick fixes. Tech advancements are also awesome. However, it’s just simply a fact that not everything works for everyone. 

Also, if my overall health was the problem, more IVF was not the answer. Doing the same thing without at least tweaking some part of the formula was not going to yield a different result. Putting more embryos into a hostile environment wasn’t going to help. It’s like planting seeds in a crap environment and wishing for it to grow and thrive. It made more sense practically and financially speaking, to nurture myself, and then perhaps revisit IVF.

My story had a happy ending. Four months later, I conceived naturally. I didn’t have to go back to IVF. Had I disregarded my own intuition and only listened to my RE, I would've spent more money, time, and energy on IVF. IVF not only costs financially, it costs physically, mentally, and emotionally. Of course, things aren't so simple. Maybe my RE just wasn't a great fit, even though he came so highly recommended. Maybe had I continued IVF, or went with another RE, I would have conceived anyway. There are so many maybe’s. And there are no guarantees - it would have also been possible that I didn't conceive at all.

But do you know what made the biggest difference for me in this stressful time, with all else being equal? Self-agency, a sense of control, and possibilities. When I included my intuition and zoomed out on this situation, I didn't just have to rely on the word of one doctor or numbers on a piece of paper; I could stand firm in my own power, trust myself, and affect change across other factors I felt were important. I could also seek the help of other holistic professionals who helped me look at my situation from other angles. I have so much gratitude for my nutritionist who provided such personalized advice in a time when I really needed it.

In turn, I felt more supported, and in control of something that seemed uncontrollable. I felt a sense of wellness during what was a very physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging time. And that sense of wellness opened the door to acceptance and a willingness to let go of the end result. I had peace.

We all can feel a sense of wellness in the midst illness, struggle, and heartbreak. Sometimes what we need to get there is simply some support. Connection, both with others and with ourselves. Guidance. Hope.

The more we understand ourselves, the less we’ll be swayed by external pressure, herd mentality, and misinformation. People who are not living your life or living in your body, will never fully understand your choices, especially if it’s not the “usual” course of action. That’s not a problem in and of itself, but if you regard their advice, however well-meaning, more so than your own, that's a problem. After all, they don’t live with the consequences of your choices, you do.

These days, many of us want shortcuts and instant results, and for good reason, because we're pulled in all directions with the demands of life. However, I will tell you from personal experience, the fastest and actually most practical way to get where you truly want to go is through self-inquiry and self-connection, and to take a zoom in and zoom out approach towards your wellness. Self-awareness is like a strong pillar. It's steady even in the most difficult and uncertain of times. No one can ever take your intuition and inner wisdom away from you.

When we don’t have the ability to integrate what our logic/reason, emotions, and intuition are communicating to help us make sense of the world, we have no option but to rely on outsiders for all the answers.

Absolutely see your medical provider or seek the advice of qualified experts, AND also work with practitioners that help you see the big picture, connect with yourself, and uproot the mental and emotional weeds that are blocking your ability to heal, grow, and thrive. There’s a synergy there that will get you results greater than the sum of its individual parts.

One piece of advice my father-in-law imparted to me early on after I married my husband is that 1+1=3. He was speaking about the importance of partnership in marriage, while also expressing the desire that we have children, but I find this to be one of the best pieces of life advice I hold in the back of my mind.

Your time and energy are precious. Spend your time and energy on the things where the results compound to be greater than the individual parts. This includes fun, joyful, and playful experiences as well. Being unkind and overly-restrictive in this process is not part of the equation!

Last week I talked about taking aim at wellness. However, that’s only part of it. Aside from taking aim, we also need to know where our starting point is. How are you doing? Are you good, or do you have a pain point in your life that’s pricking you like a thorn in your side? Chronic illness? A recent health diagnosis? A relationship that’s hanging by a thread? Or a sense of uneasiness you can't quite put your finger on?

Aside from knowing where we want to go, we also need to orient to where we are. It’s like setting your GPS. If you know your Point A and your Point B, you can explore all the different routes to get there and choose how you want to get there.

I see Ignite Wellness as a vehicle heading towards a grand destination of wellness from within. That’s Point B. I’m spending a lot of time painting a big picture of what this looks like – sharing the vision, values, and philosophy behind Ignite Wellness – so that you can decide if you’re interested in going on this journey with me.

What’s your Point A, your present reality? Are you happy? It’s actually easier to identify Point A if there's something that's causing you physical, mental, or emotional pain in your life. But what if you’re feeling apathetic about life, or you feel off or uneasy, and it bothers you that you can’t name why?

Would it be helpful if I put together a free wellness guide, so you can assess your wellness from various dimensions? If you’re interested, add me on Instagram. Please make sure to DM me so I know it’s something you want!  Again 1+1=3, so if there aren’t a lot of requests for this, I’d rather create something else that you'll truly benefit from. I genuinely want to help, so share your feedback!

Talk soon :)

Angelic