In Your Own Time: Love, Softening, and the Beauty of Letting Go

I started writing this post as I sat on a flight, headed to my brother’s wedding. Over the past few months, whenever I’ve mentioned his upcoming marriage, the question I’ve heard most often is: “Is this his first?” It’s a natural question - he’s in his 50s, after all. Yes, it is his first. He also took on the wedding planning.

Now, my brother is not known for being a planner. He’s not detail oriented. He’s not into schedules and timelines. So when he announced that he was getting married and was going to plan it, I was surprised, and admittedly a bit worried for him. Ohhh boy, does he know what he’s getting himself into? Is he going to wait until the 11^th hour to finalize everything? Rentals, vendors, roles to assign…how is this going to go? The parents had never met. And while I see members of my family separately, we have not all been in the same room or sat down for one meal together in nearly a decade. Now we were going to spend a week together in the lead up to the wedding. Close proximity. Multiple meals. Long drives. This was not something we have done as a family since I was a young child.

As it turns out, the wedding was lovely and the trip went well. There were a few hiccups here and there throughout the week, but it also wasn’t nearly as awkward or painful as I had anticipated. I don't think I was fully aware of how much emotional weight I was carrying before the trip even started. 

I realized that my brain and my body still held memories of unpleasant family interactions, running like an undercurrent; I was calm and steady on the surface, emotionally turbulent below conscious awareness. In this case, it resulted in mental forecasting that the trip would be stressful and go poorly. I recognized a feeling of dread, unrelated to my brother's wedding, but so connected to the concept of family reunion.

This experience and time to reflect gave me the beautiful reminder to release, allow, and soften: 

Release the hold that old experiences have on my psyche. Allow feelings of dread and worry to move through me and metabolize. Soften my attachment to former impressions I had of my brother and worries of how things would go. Soften my concerns about my clients and the business while I was away. Soften my grip on being away from my son for an extended period and my concerns about his daily routine. Soften my need to feel in control.

I was reminded of these truths:

• What's underneath the surface, below our conscious awareness - the stories, memories, emotional patterns - guide us more thank we think. The power lies in bringing them up to the surface so we can do something about it. 
• As much as we believe we know someone, what we know is still only our own perception of that person, and what that person is willing to show us. We see the world through our own filter.
• Fear and anxiety is how we predict that the future will go poorly, and that future is rarely as bad as we think it will be. Fear and anxiety have us believe they're keeping us safe; more often than not, they just keep us small.
• Life is more enjoyable when we let go of the things we cannot control. We can be more present and enjoy the moment for what it is, not what it could be.
• When we attempt to control something that isn’t ours, our bodies and minds bear the burden and we rob others of the opportunity to assume responsibility for themselves.

This trip also reminded me about love in action. I used to see weddings as a celebration of love, and that was pretty much it. I don’t think I fully grasped that, like anything else done with great care, the wedding is an outward expression and culmination of all of the little decisions and actions leading up to it, of love in motion. What a joy it is, and how fun it is, to see two people come together and express love in the only way that these unique two people, together, could - down to the colors, venues, music choices, and so on.

Through this wedding, I saw just how intentionally my brother had chosen to give up his nomadic lifestyle (his own words) over the years to bring this union to fruition. I saw the side where he wears his heart on his sleeve. I saw him through the way he interacts with his new wife, mentor, friends, and colleagues. I even saw him dance for the first time in my life! 

And through that I discovered that I had only seen a slice of my brother previously. The impressions I formed when I was a young girl became the lens I saw him through until things shifted this trip. I can’t say that my brother and I are close, so it's an honor to see him in a new light. It’s a privilege when someone lets us in and vice versa. I don't take that for granted, even if we are family.

So I am filled with gratitude from this trip – to be in the presence of love. To have new in-laws who are warm, kind, and so easy to get along with. For a new and healthier memory of family togetherness. The time to soften. The new perspective. And the time to watch movies and go to Target and Trader Joe’s lol. How powerful and how healing. 

And I was also reminded of this:

Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is to live in your own rhythm - even when it’s not according to conventional timelines.

We live in a world obsessed with timelines and milestones. Of a nice and neat linear progression:

• Graduate by 22.
• Find love by 30.
• Have kids by 35. (Especially a son if you’re in a traditional family).
• Go to a prestigious university.
• Work in a respectable profession, for a reputable company.
• Be successful by some invisible deadline that somehow everyone feels pressured to meet.

And what happens when we don’t meet those timelines or tick the boxes? We turn the pressure inward.
We wear it like shame.

We start to believe stories like:

• “It’s too late.”
• “I should’ve figured this out by now.”
• “There’s something wrong with me.”

And then for self-protection, we put on armor. “Well, I never wanted to _______ anyway.” We stuff away are deepest desires because "that's not practical" or "I'm too old." We trade our self-fulfillment for conventional choices and external validation. It looks like success on the outside, but inside we feel empty or like we're settling for less.

Stories that we're late, behind, or not enough aren't true. Healing doesn’t happen on a schedule. Love doesn’t operate on a clock. And wholeness isn’t something that can be achieved by doing life correctly or perfectly.

When I look at my brother, I don’t see someone who was “late” to love. I see someone who’s living life on his terms, and who is clear on his choice. I think it’s wonderful, but even if I didn’t, it wouldn’t matter. It’s his life to live.

No one else gets to tell you what your timeline should be. This is your life. And you get to live it in a way that feels honest, steady, and real. You get to choose love, healing, whatever - for yourself, for your life - whenever you want it. No one else has to “get it.” 

Take your own path. So what if it’s not linear? So what if you double back or take a turn? Choose the scenic route. Go off the beaten track. Enjoy and savor it.

While I was on the plane, I was thinking that I should get a blog post out, for no reason other than I hadn’t written in a couple of weeks. “I need to be consistent,” I thought. But then I caught myself. I noticed that I was in the shoulds again, trying to lock myself into a self-imposed and unnecessary deadline. Certain deadlines truly do need to be met, but this wasn't one of them.

I went back to my guiding values. I don’t want to stick to an inflexible schedule, or go through the motions, because I should. What's more important to me than being consistent? Being real. I share what is true, what’s in flow, and what I’m inspired by. And if I had forced it, you’d be reading a much different post. Sure, it could have been informative, but it wouldn’t have had soul. So instead of writing on the plane, I put my laptop away and watched Interstellar. I enjoyed my time stateside. I’m now back in Taiwan, looking forward to summer plans, future projects, and seeing my clients again.

3 Reflection Questions for You:
1. Do you have anything that is ready to come up to the surface? Something that has been guiding your thoughts and actions that you're now ready to acknowledge? To release, allow, and soften? 

2. Do you have something on your to-do list that can come off, because it's a should and not really a need? 

3. Do you have an expectation or timeframe that you can free yourself of? Something that's not truly yours but what others expect of you?

Pick whichever one resonates. Take a moment to reflect. Then breathe, pause, and when you're ready, let whatever it is go, guilt-free. This is one way we can invite a bit more spaciousness and healing into our lives.